It is quite astonishing how creative I am to find distractions to not write this blog. It started  in the normal way: clean my room, clean the house, writing to do lists for the next weeks, -the list goes on, we all know that.

Then somehow as I faced the source of my motivation to not write the blog today – the source is insecurity- I still did not do it.  Although something has changed. The new  ways of distracting myself from writing  had a little shine of magic on them. So I reconnected myself to old childhood friends via Facebook, sat outside at night counting the stars, discovering 4 other topics I would like to blog about, created  5 new playlists on Spotify, had 5 strikes by throwing the drafts into the recycle bin and started to read 3 books. So, as I know a bite more of how many stars are dancing at the night sky, as I now sat up a date with my old friend, as I now know about what to blog the next 4 times, as I know now what kind of music to listen to during I blog, as I am now a professional  paper ball thrower, as I know now what book to read- I start blogging, now.

There it is again- this little voice telling me to get another cup of coffee although my hands are shaking yet, my heart is beating faster than a wolf can run, – another cup of coffee? Not now, lovely little voice, I take you by my hand, let´s share our story with the worlds out there:

Kissing the dragon

- Once upon a time my grandmother told me an old, old story.

In a village, close by where you got born, lived a dragon in the middle of a dark and deep forest. Almost nobody ever saw him, they just heard him. Yes, they heard him. He used to sing, in the flattest way you can imagine. And he did so spontaneously that people never had the chance to protect themselves from these ugly tones.

Unfortunately the dragon often started to sing when the people really did not need this. For example during a secret love declaration of a young man to his beloved one. Or during a funeral, in the break between the songs of a choir, in moments when the teacher of the town asked his pupils if they did their homework.  Some of the elderly people, who used to live with the strange songs of the dragon for all their lives, discovered that the dragon starts to sing when a certain kind of silence occurs.  However, people did not pay attention to this remark. So they went on blaming the dragon for all the noises in their lives.

One day a little girl  could not stand all this blaming anymore. She heard enough of the seemingly terrible dragon in the forest the adults liked to talk about for hours. She heard enough of his songs- and she heard a bite more than the others. She heard some questions in his tones.

Hence she let herself lead by her curiosity, packed a picnic basket and started her journey to the middle of the forest. On her way she met a boar, a bear, a bird, a deer, another bear and a mouse. All of them asked her the same question: “ Where are you heading to?” And to all of them she said:“ I am on my way to visit the dragon.” And the bears, the boar, the bird, the deer, the mouse – all of them reacted in the same way: they shacked their heads. Just in the moment before the moved their heads from left to right the dragon started to sing. So they covered their ears and ran away.

After 777 steps, she counted all of them, she reached the middle of the forest. The first thing the little girl saw was a lake and close by there was the dragon lying on the ground. The dragon looked very old and sad, so sad that the  little girl almost started to cry. Carefully and calm she got closer and closer to the dragon. When she was close enough that the dragon was able to hear her she said: “Hello Mister Dragon.” Instead of greeting her, he began to sing. But wait, he did not sing, He was crying, tears streamed out of his eyes, running like a wild river directly into the lake. It took a while until he stopped and ended with a loud sigh. The tone of his sigh was exactly the same the people were hearing everyday in the village. So, the little girl discovered that the dragon was not singing as the people say- he was crying. More than one time every day, for such a long time.

After a while she tried again to talk to the dragon: “ Hello Mister dragon. I came to visit you. Look , I brought something to eat- I would love to share this with you.”

“Go away”, the dragon mumbled and blowed some steam out of his nose. “ You are just one of them who will forget about me soon and as they are getting older and older they start to laugh about me.”

“No Mister Dragon, this it not my intention, could you tell me why are you so sad?”

“Because the people want to forget about me, with all their power. They do not want me, they are afraid of me. They call me tears songs, and they say that they are flat. In order that they do not have to hear me crying they start singing songs even more flat. “

“Mister Dragon, when did you sing the last time?”

“The last time? Since 777 years I did not sing anymore.”

“Would you like to sing with me?”

So the dragon and the girl started to sing. Both of them were crying, their tears sounded like the sound of a growing tree, they sounded like a huge sunrise after a long night.

And then they remained silent for a long time.

“Little girl, what´s your name?” the dragon asked. She replied: “Trust.”

“And dear Mister Dragon – what is your name?`” “In-Security”, he said.

They looked at each other and smiled.  “So, dear new friend In-Security, I have to go home now. Tomorrow I will visit you again, I am going to bring my friends with me- so we all can sing together.”

On her way home she was hearing the new songs of the dragon – songs full of hope, freedom and trust.

Somewhere close by the forest a young man sat next to a young woman, looking her into her eyes, looking at the sunset, and he began slowly to splutter, “ I love you” and in between the short moment of him telling her this and her giving him a hug, the dragon began to sing his new song.

Nobody in the village covered his ears.  -

I am an insecure person- and I am more than that.

By writing this story I kissed my inner dragon on the nose- and what came out? No fire- but this story. I am in the process of experiencing that I can use my insecurity as a key, may be to this inner door I was always standing and looking in front of.

When I treat my insecurity with love and endurance it becomes a space opener- it becomes a WHY.

Why does this&that  / she or he making me feel insecure? What lays behind it? Is it my own insecurity or do I feel yours?

Since now on I will hear my insecurity as a voice of my subconscious, no longer as a strange feeling that I have to hide away. I will give space to this feeling and may even share it from time to time.

Insecurity is one of the most viral feelings. It often transforms  energy into unclear, uncomfortable moments. I want to change this- and this is not hard to do. It just takes the step to listen to what this feeling of insecurity needs. And most of the time this is just acceptance.

By giving your insecurity a voice, by just speak it out “ he, I do not know what is going on- I feel a little insecure” it will soon transform itself into security.

Insecurity and Security are not enemies.

They are siblings.

“Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us.” – Rilke

 

love, anna

ps: Thanks to Floris, you are seeing my inner dragon and gave him a voice. And thanks to Filippa for your support.