As a kind of regular school at Knowmads, we also have kind of regular days off from school. Or not. Then one just takes time off. So did I last weekend and found out how difficult it can be to return to the old world of notknowmads thinking. This has always been my challenge, explaining people my version of reality. Also it feels like Knowmads have their own language and when I talk to people who are not familiar with any of our accents they do not really grasp what we do in Knowmadsland. And not enough, my thinking changes so much, I have difficulties understanding them.

You wanna know what happens? Here.I do not find the right words for small talk anymore. Why is that? Honestly, I consider myself as pretty good doing the: “heeeey how are you… you look great.. what have you been up to.. what’s new in your life?”

I then get this all so excited and curious face.. I guess at least, that’s how it feels like, not that I actually look into the mirrow same time I speak… So then I am imagining all the stories of progress to hear from my friends and family, since I have not seen and really talked to them for about 3 months……. All the surprising and sudden changes they made.. Habits they finally got rid of and things they in the end picked up doing because of this glorious insight…

My mind freezes, gets silent to make sure to get every single word, observing every so little facial expression, holding my breath, getting ready to dive really deep for a qualitiful ( is that a word??) moment. And then guess what happens…

They tell me something I already know….. Now this is not because someone else has told me beforehand. Or, that I can read other peoples mind..how cool would that be.. NO it is because it is the same freakin story they told me last time. Guys…??? Honestly, are you serious?? This cannot be true…..

I feel a bit ashamed actually saying this here I must admit. Ahh what do I do for a good story. That’s right. I go get ashamed, blame myself, just in order to get a story out of it. It is a true one at the same time. At least in my world…. So I am not really sure if my response to hearing the same blabla is because they even use the same rhythms ( how do you write that word, eyy noone ever knows… I am for let people put their rythm in the word ;)) so I feel like I am having a dèja vu…

I can notice my eyebrows move a little higher, getting wrinkles on my forehead, voices coming up in my head breaking the silence with content like “ahhh come on, don’t tell me the same freakin thing again, do you think I am stupid, I already know this, you told me before, you know, I pay attention to when you speak to me”…

this all means I can feel a lack of entertaining spreading my whole body, killing the excitement, with a feeling of…”nooo not again.. where is all the adventure here?” I also do not think I am trying to find other peoples gossip just to hide from my own boring life, I think that’s why many people watch crazy realitiy shows.. trying to get away from their own nothingishappeninginmylife…

It is because as a friend of my friend I know the question will come too soon of: “Soooo, enough my life, not so interesting (sorry, yes you are right, still love you though :)) tell me about you! There must be something new going on in your life.” True. Yes. There are. Many many new things. That’s at least how it feels like. And when I start telling my story you know what happens? I get my face from before. Remember? the one with the wrinkles and the eyebrows?? uhhh man. I am in a theatre play.

Inside of myself I am holding my face with closed eyes, shaking my head saying, “nahhhh this is not for real. Anastasia wake up.” Cause it is real. So now do something about it. Tell them something so their look gets back to normal. At least get them away from” WTF are you talking about, can I please talk to my old friend again, that one was not as crazy as you are. I cannot follow you. I quit.”

Okok wait a second, let me explain.. so I start all over, using other words, drawing new pictures.. But guess what. More confusion on the faces and a real tendency to go for “ok let us talk about something else look.” The longer I try, the clearer the gap gets and if I am lucky Alcohol is involved and people let go off their critical mind and just get happy for me being so enthousiastic about what I do and end the evening with:” You know, it doesn’t matter what you do, I still think you live in a dream world and that you have to get up one day.. but if it makes you happy, just keep on going. You know we are here for you if you finally come back to reality. We still love you although you lost your mind”.

Thank you. I also found out, that this is the only thing I needed to hear. People are different. All of us are. All individual pieces of a puzzle, never alike. How can I expect them to understand? And they do not have to. I will never find another person who will exactly know what I am going through. Not because I am unlucky, or maybe I am, cuz there is for sure not a second version of myself, who goes for the same choices of ;)  .

I am so lucky I have so many people in my life I can share little pieces of myself having the feeling of being understood. I also know I won’t get it from everyone and poor people from the past, you have the hardest time, cuz I like to change very now and then. So if you do not walk with me, you might not recognize me at the first look.

Doesn’t matter. Heyy now I get to jump in your way and just by fully being myself I get to surprise you and put a little excitement in your reality show. I would say…Mission accomplished.